Monday, 9 January 2012

How Not to Talk to Lesbian Moms

A little over a year ago  my wife and I made a baby with an amazing man that we met online. This raises a lot of questions. As it says in my profile, I am a shy over-sharer. I encourage questions and am happy to answer them openly and honestly. Even if your question is why did you need an artichoke jar to make a baby?  I will gladly give you all the details. However, sometimes random people in the grocery store approach us and say really asinine things. You should probably learn from their mistakes.


Who is the mom?
We both are.

No, but who is the real mom?
When you ask who is the mom and we respond with we both are please do not follow up by asking us which one of us is the real mom. I can assure you that at 4:30 AM this morning neither of us felt like the fake mom.  To be honest, if we meet someone new and s/he asks us who gave birth to our son we are happy to answer that question. But I am not speaking for all lesbian moms on this one. 

Are you worried that he will be teased because he has lesbian moms?
You’re damn right I am. And just when I get comfortable enough in my own little gay-positive corner of the world to let some of that worry go someone comes along and reminds me that the world isn’t all sunshine and pride parades. 

But don’t you think a boy needs a dad?
I think that children need guardians who love them.

Right, of course, but what about male role models? How will he learn to play sports? Shave? Pee standing up?
Mac has a lot of really great male role models in his life. He has grandfathers, uncles and cousins who will teach him things far more important than shaving and peeing standing up. His uncle Brit will show him how to be the kind of man that mothers-in-law hope their daughters will marry. His uncle Dan will teach him that even men who spend their days enforcing the law aren’t too tough to do the grocery shopping, wash windows or make beds with hospital corners.  And his Dad is no slouch in the man department either. He won’t be raising him but he’ll be around enough to teach him about coordinating colors and that real men don’t shy away from expressing their feelings. I am fairly certain that his moms will be able to navigate the complex world of shaving and peeing standing up instruction but if we get stuck there are plenty of men we can turn to for help. And as for sports, his auntie Rishma has that one covered.

Are you worried he’ll be confused and end up gay or transgendered?
Well, all three of Mac’s parents were raised by heterosexual parents and none of us ended up straight. And, while I haven’t seen any studies done on the subject, my guess is that most transgendered folks were born to heterosexual parents as well. But, more importantly, I’m not at all worried that he’ll be gay or transgendered because neither of those possibilities would upset me. My only hope is that my son will grow up to be exactly who he wants to be.

Don’t you think that being gay is a sign from God that you shouldn’t procreate?
No, I don’t. And if you do I don’t want to know you.


So, there you have it, a quick 101 on how not to talk to lesbian families. As I finish this post I am a bit worried that I have just discouraged you from asking questions about my family. I want to reiterate that I am happy to answer most questions. I love my little family and will never shy away from an excuse to talk about it. So, if you are curious about something leave a comment below. Just don’t ask me if I am the real mom. 

Can you spot the real mom?



Please vote for me by clicking on the image below. 




51 comments:

  1. This is wonderful! Thank you for posting.

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  2. I have to thank Val for hooking me up with your blog. You are an amazing mother and woman. As I posted on fb I've been through all your blogs and have laughed out loud and wiped away quiet tears. But this post is important. People are scared to ask questions. I'm always one for teaching the unknown, but I need to laugh at people that act like only one of you is a mother... Or Mac will grow up not knowing about "boy stuff". Mac has two parents who love him to pieces, he has a family, you can't say that about most children these days.

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  3. I recall often hearing people ( usually if not always men) say -jokingly- something like “ those kids are to good looking to be his , are ya sure he’s there real dad ? To which dad would respond , “ Not sure but I think the mailman is.” I guess that wouldn’t work as well for you but it’s worth a try “ I think the postal worker is.”
    There is an underlying fear in every loving parent that there child may be teased or bullied and there are as many excuses to tease and bully as there are children. I should be as concerned or more that my child does not tease and bully. I have so many reasons to believe and I am truly convinced that it is critical for we as parents to help our children develop an attitude of acceptance , non- judgemental and a genuine sense of wonderment and love for “difference.” ie. An ability to maintain ones own values while embracing with love those which are “ different”
    Sometimes when in the middle of the night I get up to go for a pee, I’m to tired to stand up, so I sit down and pee. I guess my mom must have taught me how to do that. How else would I know ?
    I wouldn’t worry if my child became confused and ended up transgendered , gay or heterosexual but I would be concerned if they ended up any of the three categories and remained confused. It has been and continues to be my experience that there is no bigot more entrenched in fear based prejudice than a “ confused “ heterosexual who’s questions all to often, should not be dignified with a response.

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  4. I should have proof read my comment above before I submitted rather than after. I hope you can make some sense out of it.

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  5. Excellent....thank you for sharing your words. My favourite was the last one.Good one.
    Julie
    www.whatiwouldtellyou.com

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  6. Thank-you very much for your kind words and stories. They are so very appreciated!

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  7. Great post. All a kid needs is to know that they are loved and valued. How and from whom that message comes from has very little bearing.

    As cliché as it is all you really do need is love to raise a healthy and happy child. If more people were focused on that I think this world would be a better place.

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  8. I'm raising 3 boys with my husband. I pee sitting down and guess what - all 3 of my boys know how to pee standing up!! LOL!! Sometimes I wish they would sit down or wipe the seat for crying out loud. Also, I'm always worried my kids are going to get teased for LOTS of stuff. One wears glasses, one says "d" instead of "th", one cries at the drop of a hat, one still has trouble getting to the bathroom on time...the list is on and on. We're all going to get teased. I just try to teach my boys how to handle teasing. Anyway, keep up the good work!!

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  9. So true Elizabeth! As moms we worry... about all sorts of things (warranted or not).

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  10. As a former single mom, some of those questions piss me off! I can tell you that my "raised by a woman for the first 6 or more years of his life" boy knows how to pee and play sports!

    Also, as someone with issues with my ex, I can also say first hand that sperm and eggs do not make a parent. Love and support do. The "real" mom is the one that raises your son with love and support, so you both absolutely qualify on all accounts and anyone who thinks otherwise can be sent to the butterknife mafia. ;)

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    1. I'm glad the butter knife mafia has my back Leslie!

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  11. That was excellent. I remember when my daughter asked me why her friend had two mommies. I wasn't prepared, but then again when she explained death to me by explaining infinity, I wasn't prepared for that either. The thing with kids is you have to answer their questions.. ALL OF THEM.. Not having your list at hand I reverted to a Barney song ( you know the purple guy) and said there were all types of families, blah, blah, and in the end love is unconditional and more blah. You know what, to this day she remembers this conversation. Funny. Wonderful post.

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  12. As a surrogate to a gay couple, I could not understand this post more! It infuriates me that people even feel the need to ask. People asked me when I was pregnant which one was the dad.... well they BOTH are! A dad is someone who gets up in the middle of the night when your child is sick, rocks and sings lullibys to them until thier voice is so hoarse you cant understand them, goes to work with spit up on their tie, smells their baby, etc... Dont ask me who the dad is. You will only get my HONEST opinion and you may just not be ready for that! lol :)
    I live in California so that whole Prop 8 thing is happening/not happening/happening... and I have to say, I dont even get why its the governments business to say who we are allowed to love or not love. Get over it already, do what you feel is right for your immediate family and leave the rest of the world alone. If people spent more time worrying about their own stuff the world would be such a happier place:)
    **BTW ... stopping by from the Jan blog hop - lol**
    <3 Christy
    -Broke Moms Club
    -Whats One More
    -Colie Polie Quilting

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    1. Christy have you blogged about your experience as a surrogate to a gay couple? I'd love to read about it if you have - please point me in the right direction!

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  13. It is the little guy in plaid right? Because he looks like he is the boss.

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    1. tiny, adorable, snuggly, little dictator ;)

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  14. This is a great post and appreciate your honesty along your Journey and mac as cute as a bug.Hi newest follower from the hop look forward to reading your posts
    http://www.everydayproductsandmore.com/

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  15. Thank you for following Elle Dreams. I fell in love with your blog when I took a peek, so I am now following you as well. I love this article. There are too many ignorant people in the world, it's pretty sad really. Your little baby is so cute..the three of you make a beautiful family.

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    1. Thank-you - we are certainly enjoying be a family.

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  16. Thank you for visiting my blog. I am a new follower of you.

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  17. Thanks for visiting my blog. I enjoyed reading a few posts on your blog. How old is mac? Kyton is almost 7 months old.

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  18. Thanks for visiting my blog...not to overshare myself, but I have a cousin who also has a son (who is 5 now) with her "wife". I can't remember how they found the man, but it was so neat,they used her wife's egg, the man's sperm and implanted it into my cousin, so she was able to carry the baby and bond that way. They are a great family. Blessings to you -Kim http://bbunchmama.blogspot.com/ (I am following you back)

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    1. That would be a great way to do it! Thanks Kim.

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    2. I love that idea, what a sweet way to have a baby!

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  19. Ugh, I really, really hope people don't really ask you guys those questions! I'm new here, but I'm really enjoying reading your blog. Thanks for sharing your experiences here.

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    1. Sadly, they do. More often than you'd think. I'm happy to answer thoughtful questions from people who are curious but some questions and comments can be so rude.

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  20. Amen! I really felt this was an AWESOME post! The right mix of respect, straightforwardness, and standing your ground : )

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  21. AH-dorable family. That is all. :-)

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  22. AH-dorable family. That is all. :-)

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  23. I love your blog and I think your family sounds wonderful. I am curious about the birth certificate. I love to think there is a way that all three parents could be included or that the birth registration can be completed exactly as you want it to be.

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    1. Ontario does allow for a third person to be on a birth certificate after the fact. However, Mac's only lists myself and my wife.

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  24. As a step-mother, my girls were always being asked about their "real" mom. My oldest dd finally just started calling me "fake mom" and she was my "fake daughter". Some people just didn't get it or think it was funny, but it fit us. So now my "fake daughter" is 23, beautiful, lives with me and her dad since she just finished college and is moving to live with her girlfriend in 2 months (yeah, she's a softball-playing, butch dyke lesbian, which is what she calls herself) and we will miss her SO much!!I hope that this "fake m om" did just as good a job as her "real" mom.

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  25. I wrote things you should never say to your kids... and put it to video. Maybe you should make a vid?

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  26. I can spot a real happy baby and Family!

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  27. What a beautiful family! I think he looks like both of you:) VERY insightful post...

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  28. This is a really great post, I really enjoyed reading this!! :)

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  29. I'm not part of a same sex couple. I'm bi-sexual but have been with my (male) fiancee for over 10 years...We have a 7 year old daughter who knows already that it doesnt matter if you have a mum and dad, 2 dads, 2 mums, a nanna, an auntie or any combination of those! All that matters is being loved and loving your family...She's accepted that with such enthusiasm, it makes me sad when I see grown adults not understanding concepts that even tiny children can understand...Your family is beautiful and you should be so proud. Oh, and by the way...Who's the real mom?! (Haha, kidding!) xoxo

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  30. I laughed out loud at the line about none of you turning out straight after being raised by heterosexual parents. You have a brave and honest blog! Thanks for sharing. Mac is gorgeous! One thing I'm learning through blogging? We're not all that different. Especially mothers. It's a common bond.

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  31. I just finished reading all your prequels and some of your posts - Ive never sat and read through a blog for an hour before!! You have an amazing story, thank you so much for sharing it! Best of luck to you in your journey!!

    (Just subscribed to your posts!!)

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  32. What an awesome post! I love it and will be passing it on. Isn't it interesting how selective people are about what family arrangements they choose to be concerned about? As someone pointed out, few people would raise concerns about a son with a single mom not learning "guy things." I hope our country eventually reaches the point that most people realize that what matters is that kids have loving parents, not what color or sex their parent(s) are. (ps - Came to your site via Bonbon Break!)

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  33. Great post. There are a lot of people out there who ask stupid questions, most of the time not understanding why they are taken not so well. I love honesty. Keep it up.

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  34. My partner and I chose an anonymous donor when planning to have a baby...and you would be amazed (or maybe you wouldn't be) at how STUPID people can be when trying to figure it out.
    Here is a sampling of the stupid things that people said to us.

    1) "How do you know the donor isn't Chinese?" Um...what?
    2) "Can you choose the sex of your baby?" I suggest you do a bit of reading on the subject.
    3) "Your child can't have two moms!" - Oh really, because she does.

    I won't go on and on...fortunately, we have managed to laugh off some of the things that people say. Its like all common sense goes out the window.

    Thanks for the post!

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  35. What a great post and beautiful family!

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