One

It took three attempts to make our Mac. Three awkward airport pick-ups of Mac's dad. "How was security?" I would ask him and he would laugh. Officials start to become a bit suspicious when you cross borders, leaving the city that never sleeps to come to the city that's never warm every 28 days. There's no declaring sperm at the border.

I rushed through the unease of it all. Rushing to catch that egg. Wanting so badly for the next part to start. But still, if I had known I'd only do it once I might have savoured it more. I might have taken a moment in the middle of that social discomfort to remember how it all was. What it means to meet a stranger and make him family. To relish in the excitement of what was to come.

Three attempts. Twelve artichoke jars of sperm. And eighteen pregnancy tests. Until the one. The one where the second line emerged. Strong and beautiful. And I knew there was a baby in me. Well, there were cells that would one day, with luck and magic, transform into a baby. Our baby.

And I walked around my city. Proud like a peacock. A secret growing inside me and it took everything in me not to tell every detail to the woman cutting my hair and the man selling me carrots. The happiness of those moments shone like moonlight. Illuminating our blessings. And yet paling in comparison to the brightness of the sun and what was to come. The round belly. The birth. The baby. But still, if I had known - if I had known it would be the last time I peed on a stick and cried with gratitude I might have held that stick a little longer. I always thought there would be a next time.

Nine months of throwing up. In public and in private. On the side of the road and in a garbage can in the middle of the shopping mall. Nine months of people offering me crackers like I was part parrot. That's what I think of when I remember being pregnant. The damn crackers. The memories of curling up in a rocking chair so that my legs wrapped around my belly and rubbing the bundle of countless possible dreams yet to be lived are harder to hold onto. They slip through my fingers even as I write them down. A permanent record can still be forgotten. Next time, maybe I won't be so sick I thought to myself. But if I had it to do again I'd know what it's like to love like your heart could explode. And that would be enough to get me through it.

Twenty-something hours of pain so unimaginable to me I shudder when I remember it. His tiny bum crushing my sciatic nerve like an elephant on a peanut shell sending waves of excruciation through my leg and out my toes. Contractions four minutes a part lasting a minute. We should have been much farther along. But instead we stayed at 4 centimetres for an eternity.

I clung to the plan I had for his birth. Laminated pages of ideas already tattooed on my heart. I stared straight ahead at the robot onesie hanging on the wall. I imagined his little body turning the cotton fabric from 2D art to 3D perfection. But he had other plans. And so did the doctors and nurses. I negotiated with them like a child resisting bedtime. Just one more hour. Please. Just let me do this on my own for one more hour. Just leave me in this tub with this jet positioned right here where it can penetrate my flesh and apply pressure right to that nerve doling out pain every four minutes. 

And then his heart rate was dropping and there was no more waiting. There was a vacuum and a team of people ready to take his grey body from me. I didn't get to put him on my chest. I didn't get to let the rest of the world disappear. I just waited an eternity until he cried. And on that first night as I stayed wide awake from the adrenaline rush I imagined all the things I would do differently next time.

Nine months of bliss. He needed constant bouncing and rocking and breastfeeding. He cried a lot and needed a lot. But I loved it. I loved the smell of him. So distinct I'm fairly sure you could blindfold me and put me in a room of babies and I would sniff out mine like a drug trained hound. In those moments I thought I would get to do it again. That it wouldn't be the last three month birthday celebration I toasted.

Six months of Hell. And another six months of aftershock. Postpartum depression was the worst experience of my life. I woke up one day underwater. Unable to move. Unable to decide. On anything. The simple choice of breakfast would leave me in tears. So unaccustomed to these feelings I turned to medication expecting it to make me happy. But instead it just numbed me. And so I kept upping and upping the dosage until there was no where left to go but down. And with each new milligram I became more and more numb. Fifty pounds gained in the span of six months. One perfect marriage nearly destroyed. We work hard to patch those cracks. But the scars remain. We plaster and paint but the weak spots have been identified. They won't withstand another tidal wave.

And I know I can only survive that once.

One baby. One perfect baby. One amazing child. One love of our lives to hold our hearts in his hands and do with what he chooses. There will only be one child in this house. And while it's not how I always imagined it to be, I know how blessed I am.

Answering your FAQs (Round Two)

Two weeks ago I celebrated one year of blogging. Which feels like a really big accomplishment for me. Even though it just means that for the last year I have self-indulgently sat at my computer and told stories about how fantastic the top of my kid's head smells, finding sperm on the internet, and the intricacies of lesbian motherhood. And, miraculously, you've kept reading.

To celebrate this blogiversary I told you that you could ask me any questions you had about me, this blog, or my family. You did and I answered. But then you had more questions so I told you we would do this Q&A thing one more time.

So here we are. Now you know me a little better.

I'm really struck by your selfless offer to be a surrogate for Andy in the event that they want children. Have you also volunteered your eggs? I know that Andy is a part of your family but I'm not sure I would be strong enough to act as a surrogate only, particularly if it were my biological child. I'd also be interested to hear how you would make that work for both families. 
No, I did not volunteer my own eggs. Which is something I feel a bit guilty about. I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about how biology does not create family so it feels a bit hypocritical to selfishly hoard those tiny little eggs that are going to waste each month. It also feels presumptuous and arrogant to feel guilty about that as Andy and Raff may have absolutely no desire for these Canuck eggs that I'm holding onto. But I've given the whole thing a lot of thought and I know I could process the experience of growing someone else's child in my womb but I wouldn't be able to grow "my own" child and then give him/her to someone else to raise. I can't really explain or justify those feelings. They just are. But waking up every day to Mac's smiling face has been the most amazing experience of my life and if I had the opportunity to give that joy to someone else then I would jump at the chance.

I should also make it clear that (to my knowledge) Andy and Raff have absolutely no plans of having children at this moment. So this is really all random musing and speculations on my part.

How did you know Andy was "the one"?
When I read his online profile I had butterflies in my stomach. And from there it was love at first email. It all just seemed too perfect not to be fate.

Does Tracy's family accept Mac as their own?
Yes, absolutely. And so does his Auntie Tata's family.

Where do I find myself an Auntie Tata?
I have no idea. But you absolutely can't have Mac's.

How many times a year does Andy see Mac?
Well Mac is 15 months old and Andy has been to Ottawa about five or six times. And on top of that we have travelled to visit him three times.

Are you a stay at home/work at home mom? What did you do before you had Mac? Do you plan on returning to regular employment (if you were employed in a "regular" work environment?) Do you miss it?
Pre-Mac I was struggling to make my home in academia. He changed my life, my hopes, and my dreams in ways I could have never anticipated. My staying home with Mac became (surprisingly) incredibly important to both me and my wife. To make that happen I have taken in my neighbour's son (and Mac's BFF) Jordan four days a week. He is the sweetest toddler around and watching him is totally my pleasure. I have also started Mondays with Mac Photography and am pouring my whole heart into it. Seeing it come to fruition is an absolute dream come true.

Does Mac call Andy Daddy?
At the moment he calls him dadadadada. But someday he will call him Daddy.

In the post titled The Unraveling, when you revealed that you were struggling with post partum depression you mentioned that you had been working day and night on a project - and then the project failed. Curious to know what the project was and what went wrong! ... And another question which will have the same answer... OK, am I dreaming this or were you calling your photography business something else before? Do you have a new Facebook page for MWM photography?
In August I started a photography business with a partner. But we quickly figured out that the logistics just weren't working so we parted amicably. I was very fearful about going out on my own. But I took  deep breath and jumped in (and dragged my talented wife along with me). Since the new business is just called Mondays with Mac Photography I have just maintained my current fan page. 

When we met, you were in the PhD program and your research was so interesting. Do you have any plans to return to academia? If not, how did you make the decision to leave?
I don't ever want to say never. But for now I'm loving my new business and the schedule is working for my family. I've started to make decisions based on what's best for my heart - and those decisions have been very easy to make.

Did you find out the sex of your baby before he was born? Had you been (secretly) hoping for either a girl or a boy?
Yes, we did and I was (not secretly) hoping for a girl. But now that Mac's here I have realized what a privilege it is to have a son. And if I am ever blessed with a daughter I am sure I will feel the exact same way. 

This was like a million years ago, but who won the fan appreciation contest... and what was the prize you spent Tracy's hard-earned money on?! I was so curious and I could never find the post 
that announced the winner!
Oops - I guess I forgot to blog about it. The winner was Krista from Calgary and she won a MWM mug. 

How did you and Tracy decide who's last name to take when you got married? Also, Maclean is such an original name; does it hold any special meaning/how did you come up with it?

Her maiden name was Green so I petitioned hard for Greenland which would be a combination of both of our names. Always the fun-ruiner Tracy thought that idea mocked our marriage. She thought Ireland was a cool name so she jumped ship. The name Maclean didn't hold any special significance for us. I was talking about how I liked last names as first names and my friend Sara suggested Maclean and we loved it. However, his middle name is Andy's middle name, Andy's dad's name, and Tracy's dad's middle name so it has special meaning. 

You said that you don't want to disrespect your previous relationships with men. So are you equally attracted to men and women? Is there any scenario that would see you with a man again? 

I'm attracted to masculinity - whether that manifests itself in a female or male bodied person. Although I am most attracted to butch women (which is incredibly convenient since I married one). 

I love everything you write. Do you ever do speaking engagements? 

You are too sweet. Thank-you. I haven't but I would be happy to. Do you have something in mind?

Do you have any training/education in writing? Have you ever thought of publishing a book?

No, I don't have any education in creative writing. And yes, I have thought and dreamt of publishing a book. Hopefully that's a possibility someday! 

Answering Your Frequently Asked Questions - Round 2

To celebrate my one-year blogiversary I told y'all that I would answer any and all questions that you had about me, this blog, or my family. You asked some great questions and I did my best to answer them all honestly. But apparently there's still more you want to know. The comments section of that post is filling up with questions so I thought I better give you another FAQ round.

Ask anything you like in the comments section. I will come back next week and answer them all!

Answering Your Frequently Asked Questions

Last week I told you that you could ask me anything you want. You did and I answered. 

What would you do if Mac ever asked to go and live with Andy in New York?

Sob uncontrollably and tell him that if he left I would literally crawl into a ball and die of a broken heart? That's not incredibly productive is it? It's actually something we've talked about as it's likely to happen at some point. The cool thing about our relationship with Andy is that it's like a divorced couple but without any of the you're an unpleasantly smelling man with a wrinkly scrotum! you're a frigid wife and your spaghetti sauce is far inferior to my mother's  kinda drama. Or whatever it is that straight people say to one another when they are getting divorced. So if Mac ever called Andy and asked to come and live with him he wouldn't feel like he won some kind of superior parent award. Instead, he'd be mature and awesome and take some of the heat off of us by letting our grumpy little teenager know that a permanent change of address would not be possible.

How did you and Tracy meet?

I wrote a guest post about that very thing on the blog ohthethingsthatmommiesdo.com.  It sounds sorta strange. Unless you're a lesbian. Then it will sound totally normal. So, this girl that I dated invited me to come to the bar with her and her new girlfriend. That new girlfriend also invited her ex-girlfriend. The ex-girlfriend was Tracy. 

Are you planning any more children? Will you use Andy's sperm again?

We aren't there quite yet but I'm hopeful that another baby is in our future. Andy's sperm created the perfection that is Mac so I couldn't imagine using anyone else's. 

Ok, super nosy question: how many tries did it take you guys to get pregnant? 

Not nosy at all! If I could ever get my act together and finish the Mac: The Prequel Series then you'd get to read all about it. Mac is the result of three insemination attempts. We did a wholelotta stuff to turn my eggs and his swimmers into reproductive over-achievers. 

If you and Tracy decide to have more kids, will you or she be the one to carry?

Tracy has always said that she didn't want to be the one to carry. I just asked her if she would ever reconsider. Her response: "I would carry him/her home from the hospital. But that's about it. I had a front row seat to the delivery process and I think it gave me PTSD." So I guess it will be me again. 

When did you know/realize that you were gay? How did you tell your family? How was it received?

This is a strange question for me to answer. I tend to refer to myself as gay/lesbian because I'm married to a woman with no plans of polyamory or infidelity so it just seems to be the least complicated label. But the truth is that I had some really wonderful long-term relationships with some really wonderful men before coming out and I would hate to devalue those experiences. But in an attempt to answer your question I will say that I realized I was attracted to women in my early twenties. I told my parents over dinner in a restaurant and although they were surprised they were nothing but loving and supportive. 

Were you ever worried that Andy would try for custody of Mac?

No, not at all. 

Not really a personal question, more just curious: how did you get so many followers in the first year? When you created your blog, how did you promote it, network, or get your name out there? Do you have any tips for aspiring bloggers?

Honestly? I really have no idea. But I'm totally grateful for the support. I have a few amazing friends who share every post I write on Facebook and Twitter. They are total rockstars. As for tips, it just so happens that I wrote a guest post for Lisa at expandng.com - read it here. 


Is a Tracy question allowed?!?!?!?! If so: Does she ever have mixed feelings (left out, jealousy, awkward, etc.) because of the biological connection you, Andy, and Mac share? Confession: With our KD, I have felt these things so wondered if universal.
Of course it's allowed! The honest answer is that 99% of the time Tracy forgets that Mac isn't biologically hers. I take it as my responsibility to make sure that she is set-up as an equal parenting partner in the eyes of the world. When we enter a new place I make sure that she is the one to carry him in because for most people the person holding the baby = mother. I will also intentionally say things like "where's your mom Mac?" to make it clear that she is his mother. But occasionally something will happen to remind Tracy of her biological exclusion and we have to recognize and deal with those feelings. One example I can think of happened when we met Andy and his friend Luigi in Watertown for a weekend getaway. There was a pool in the hotel and Andy and I decided to take Mac in for a dip. I was excited by the first swim and without thinking asked Tracy to take a picture while Andy and I posed with Mac. I instantly regretted the request. I consciously avoid taking pictures of just Andy, Mac and I because it visually erases Tracy. I asked her about it later and she admitted that it made her feel funny. 


How old will Mac be before you allow his first Moose Ride?
In Canada the traditional first Moose Ride occurs on the child's fourth birthday. It's a celebratory occasion where the child parades down the road to cheers and claps from the whole community. Then the parents invite their friends and family back to their igloo for beer and poutine. [Inside story: This question was asked by someone named "Ottowa" - when Andy first met us online he referred to Ottawa as Ottowa because he had never heard of it (and yes, it is the capital of our country). One day we will show him Rick Mercer's Talking to Americans. ]


How many Internet hours do you put in a day/week. I find myself thumbing online a lot especially while breast-feeding or "trapped" under baby. Wondering if I need a 10 - step or if I should just embrace and celebrate being able to stay connected with world while staying at home being Mom.
Try to take my iPhone away and I will cut you. I love the internet and I don't think I spend too much time on it. My wife would entirely disagree. 


I have struggled (and ultimately lost the fight) with internet protection and my family. What is your take on the issue and how do you make peace with it? Do you get creepy search word results? I am so glad that you aren't deterred because I think your blog/family dynamic is so valuable to so many readers!
Thank-you for saying that. I have always been an over-sharer - long before the internet existed. I think privacy is over-rated. I think that we can connect with other people by lowering our guards and being open and honest. That said, my wife is slightly more private than I am and she often cringes when I mention our sex life or cervical mucus on the internet. Also, if you google sex tips for straight men my blog will come up as the second hit on the first page. Which means that I am totally doing my part for straight marriages. And also that, yes, I get creepy search word results. I'm just happy for every set of eyes that lands on my page. 


What is your engagement story?
Tracy eventually convinced me that getting married wouldn't mean that we were selling out to the heterosexist institution that has historically ignored and devalued women, LGBT folks, and those who exist outside of the traditional two-person romantic-love-based-unit. Then we picked out our own rings on the internet. 


I too would love to hear if you're planning on adding to your family with another child. My first is nearly 6 months and we are conflicted on whether one or two more children are in our future. I'm always curious to hear how others decide when their family is "complete" (plus I'm nosy).
A second child is a few years away but hopefully in the cards for us. If we won the lottery I would buy a giant mansion and have half-a-dozen children. 


Would you be upset if Andy decided to donate to another couple?
Andy is free do what he would like with his sperm. But if he did donate to another couple I would hope that they would be open to establishing a relationship between our children. 


Now that Andy is getting married does he want to have children of his own? I know that's not the right phrasing. Does he want to have children that he raises?
Perhaps Andy will stop by and give a proper answer to this question (although he's on his honeymoon so lets not hold our breath). I can tell you that we would love it if he did and that I have offered up my womb for baby growing. 


Will/when will you tell Mac the story about how he came to be?
I think that it's something that he will always know to varying degrees. We plan on having many, many, many age-appropriate conversations with him. 


Thank-you so much for all of your questions and for the wonderful first year of blogging! Y'all are the best! 

A Blogiversary

Tracy and I have never been good at remembering the anniversary of our first date. Usually it passes us by and sometime later that week one of us will be all Oh, hey, wasn't our anniversary this month? And the other one will say huh, yeah, I guess it was. And then we'll go back to whatever it was we were doing (which was probably watching seasons of Survivor while playing digital scrabble with each other on matching laptops).

So it should come as no surprise that my one year blogivesary could pass me by without notice. To be honest, when I started this blog I wasn't sure that I would last a year. I thought that maybe a dozen or so people would read it. I never imagined that I would meet so many amazing people through this little site, that it would help me to launch a photography business, or that there would still be people reading a whole year later.

It's been a year of ups (remember when Tracy became Mac's legal mother?) and downs (this fall was tough on me). It has been the most challenging year of my life but it has also been, hands down, the very very best.

To thank-you for reading along with me I am going to celebrate this blogiversary by answering any and all questions you have about me, my wife, my marriage, my family, or anything else I might know the answer to. If you have questions for Andy you can ask those too but I can't make any promises on what he will answer. You can ask them in the comment section here (you can even do it anonymously!). I will answer everything next week!