Monday 12 November 2012

Answering Your Frequently Asked Questions

Last week I told you that you could ask me anything you want. You did and I answered. 

What would you do if Mac ever asked to go and live with Andy in New York?
Sob uncontrollably and tell him that if he left I would literally crawl into a ball and die of a broken heart? That's not incredibly productive is it? It's actually something we've talked about as it's likely to happen at some point. The cool thing about our relationship with Andy is that it's like a divorced couple but without any of the you're an unpleasantly smelling man with a wrinkly scrotum! you're a frigid wife and your spaghetti sauce is far inferior to my mother's  kinda drama. Or whatever it is that straight people say to one another when they are getting divorced. So if Mac ever called Andy and asked to come and live with him he wouldn't feel like he won some kind of superior parent award. Instead, he'd be mature and awesome and take some of the heat off of us by letting our grumpy little teenager know that a permanent change of address would not be possible.

How did you and Tracy meet?
I wrote a guest post about that very thing on the blog  It sounds sorta strange. Unless you're a lesbian. Then it will sound totally normal. So, this girl that I dated invited me to come to the bar with her and her new girlfriend. That new girlfriend also invited her ex-girlfriend. The ex-girlfriend was Tracy. 

Are you planning any more children? Will you use Andy's sperm again?
We aren't there quite yet but I'm hopeful that another baby is in our future. Andy's sperm created the perfection that is Mac so I couldn't imagine using anyone else's. 

Ok, super nosy question: how many tries did it take you guys to get pregnant? 
Not nosy at all! If I could ever get my act together and finish the Mac: The Prequel Series then you'd get to read all about it. Mac is the result of three insemination attempts. We did a wholelotta stuff to turn my eggs and his swimmers into reproductive over-achievers. 

If you and Tracy decide to have more kids, will you or she be the one to carry?
Tracy has always said that she didn't want to be the one to carry. I just asked her if she would ever reconsider. Her response: "I would carry him/her home from the hospital. But that's about it. I had a front row seat to the delivery process and I think it gave me PTSD." So I guess it will be me again. 

When did you know/realize that you were gay? How did you tell your family? How was it received?
This is a strange question for me to answer. I tend to refer to myself as gay/lesbian because I'm married to a woman with no plans of polyamory or infidelity so it just seems to be the least complicated label. But the truth is that I had some really wonderful long-term relationships with some really wonderful men before coming out and I would hate to devalue those experiences. But in an attempt to answer your question I will say that I realized I was attracted to women in my early twenties. I told my parents over dinner in a restaurant and although they were surprised they were nothing but loving and supportive. 

Were you ever worried that Andy would try for custody of Mac?
No, not at all. 

Not really a personal question, more just curious: how did you get so many followers in the first year? When you created your blog, how did you promote it, network, or get your name out there? Do you have any tips for aspiring bloggers?
Honestly? I really have no idea. But I'm totally grateful for the support. I have a few amazing friends who share every post I write on Facebook and Twitter. They are total rockstars. As for tips, it just so happens that I wrote a guest post for Lisa at - read it here. 

Is a Tracy question allowed?!?!?!?! If so: Does she ever have mixed feelings (left out, jealousy, awkward, etc.) because of the biological connection you, Andy, and Mac share? Confession: With our KD, I have felt these things so wondered if universal.
Of course it's allowed! The honest answer is that 99% of the time Tracy forgets that Mac isn't biologically hers. I take it as my responsibility to make sure that she is set-up as an equal parenting partner in the eyes of the world. When we enter a new place I make sure that she is the one to carry him in because for most people the person holding the baby = mother. I will also intentionally say things like "where's your mom Mac?" to make it clear that she is his mother. But occasionally something will happen to remind Tracy of her biological exclusion and we have to recognize and deal with those feelings. One example I can think of happened when we met Andy and his friend Luigi in Watertown for a weekend getaway. There was a pool in the hotel and Andy and I decided to take Mac in for a dip. I was excited by the first swim and without thinking asked Tracy to take a picture while Andy and I posed with Mac. I instantly regretted the request. I consciously avoid taking pictures of just Andy, Mac and I because it visually erases Tracy. I asked her about it later and she admitted that it made her feel funny. 

How old will Mac be before you allow his first Moose Ride?
In Canada the traditional first Moose Ride occurs on the child's fourth birthday. It's a celebratory occasion where the child parades down the road to cheers and claps from the whole community. Then the parents invite their friends and family back to their igloo for beer and poutine. [Inside story: This question was asked by someone named "Ottowa" - when Andy first met us online he referred to Ottawa as Ottowa because he had never heard of it (and yes, it is the capital of our country). One day we will show him Rick Mercer's Talking to Americans. ]

How many Internet hours do you put in a day/week. I find myself thumbing online a lot especially while breast-feeding or "trapped" under baby. Wondering if I need a 10 - step or if I should just embrace and celebrate being able to stay connected with world while staying at home being Mom.
Try to take my iPhone away and I will cut you. I love the internet and I don't think I spend too much time on it. My wife would entirely disagree. 

I have struggled (and ultimately lost the fight) with internet protection and my family. What is your take on the issue and how do you make peace with it? Do you get creepy search word results? I am so glad that you aren't deterred because I think your blog/family dynamic is so valuable to so many readers!
Thank-you for saying that. I have always been an over-sharer - long before the internet existed. I think privacy is over-rated. I think that we can connect with other people by lowering our guards and being open and honest. That said, my wife is slightly more private than I am and she often cringes when I mention our sex life or cervical mucus on the internet. Also, if you google sex tips for straight men my blog will come up as the second hit on the first page. Which means that I am totally doing my part for straight marriages. And also that, yes, I get creepy search word results. I'm just happy for every set of eyes that lands on my page. 

What is your engagement story?
Tracy eventually convinced me that getting married wouldn't mean that we were selling out to the heterosexist institution that has historically ignored and devalued women, LGBT folks, and those who exist outside of the traditional two-person romantic-love-based-unit. Then we picked out our own rings on the internet. 

I too would love to hear if you're planning on adding to your family with another child. My first is nearly 6 months and we are conflicted on whether one or two more children are in our future. I'm always curious to hear how others decide when their family is "complete" (plus I'm nosy).
A second child is a few years away but hopefully in the cards for us. If we won the lottery I would buy a giant mansion and have half-a-dozen children. 

Would you be upset if Andy decided to donate to another couple?
Andy is free do what he would like with his sperm. But if he did donate to another couple I would hope that they would be open to establishing a relationship between our children. 

Now that Andy is getting married does he want to have children of his own? I know that's not the right phrasing. Does he want to have children that he raises?
Perhaps Andy will stop by and give a proper answer to this question (although he's on his honeymoon so lets not hold our breath). I can tell you that we would love it if he did and that I have offered up my womb for baby growing. 

Will/when will you tell Mac the story about how he came to be?
I think that it's something that he will always know to varying degrees. We plan on having many, many, many age-appropriate conversations with him. 

Thank-you so much for all of your questions and for the wonderful first year of blogging! Y'all are the best! 

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