Making Babies the Lesbian Way. And why it might be good for your STRAIGHT marriage.

First things first, I should be very clear that lesbians (and trans men) get pregnant in a variety of ways. They might have sex with cisgender men or use anonymous/known donor sperm via a sperm donor clinic. They might use fertility treatments, including but not limited to, IVF. And that's not even touching on the options of surrogacy, and adoption, and children created in prior relationships. Others, like me, use a known donor to donate fresh sperm and do at home inseminations. But "Making Babies (one of the) Lesbian Way(s)" is sort of a weird title for a blog post.

So, anyway, where am I going with this? I have a friend. I'm going to call her Khaleesi because I just read that there are now more babies named Khaleesi than Betsy or Nadine in the U.S. and that totally blows my mind. But that's not her real name. She doesn't want her sex life broadcasted on the internet. I know, weird right? I mean, my wife doesn't want that either, but I can't really give her the same pseudonym treatment as Khaleesi without confusing everyone. Sorry Tracy.

So, a little while ago, Khaleesi sends me a message asking for specific details regarding our artichoke jar inseminations.  This throws me off guard as I know that she is happily married to a cisgender man. But sometimes people send me messages asking for information for their sister, coworker, hairdresser's cousin's BFF, etc. So I give her my standard reply with a few specifics and point her to The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth** which was basically my bible during my trying to conceive process.

A few days later she sends me a long response thanking me for the information and tells me that she and her husband have been trying to get pregnant, without success, for 10 months now. They have two more months to try to conceive "naturally" before their doctor will give them a referral to a fertility clinic. And in the meantime their marriage is really suffering. Sex has become a chore and they are both frustrated, grumpy, and on edge. Khaleesi is taking her temperature each morning in an attempt to predict her most fertile period. This is called charting your basal body temperature and it's awesome for seeing patterns overtime to predict when one is going to ovulate (in addition to identifying some cycle issues that may be impairing fertility). But, in general, it tells you when you have ovulated rather than when you are about to ovulate so there is still some guess work to be done.** And Khaleesi and Dothraki (also not his name but, hey, I figured I'd grab another Game of Thrones word and google gave me that one) are sick of the guessing game. Dothraki is really frustrated with the scheduled sex-on-demand that their attempts at baby-making are producing. And both of them were longing for the days when sex was spontaneous and fun.

To make matters worse, their work schedules don't line-up. She often gets home from work when he is sleeping and sometimes he needs to leave for work before she is awake. So, not only are they having sex that neither of them is enjoying, at least one of them is missing precious sleep to do it.

Enter - making babies the lesbian way. After my detailed explanation of how to insert "donated" sperm Khaleesi and Dothraki now have a system in place that is working much better for both of them.  During their fertile window Duthraki gently nudges Khaleesi awake and hands her a jar of fresh sperm and then heads out to work. She inseminates herself and then falls easily back to sleep.

"This is seriously life changing." She admitted to me recently. "We do this really wacky thing now where we have sex WHEN WE FEEL LIKE IT and it feels like so much pressure has been lifted off of our shoulders. There's no more fake moaning to try and speed him up so that I can get back to sleep before I'm totally awake. Lesbians have the best ideas. God, make sure you change my name if you blog about this."

Of course, I am not saying that using this method of insemination is going to increase a straight couple's chances of getting pregnant. But if you are frustrated with your current attempts, and open to trying something new, this might help to take a bit of the pressure off. The general understanding is that inseminations done with fresh donor sperm are about as likely to result in pregnancy as heterosexual intercourse.

Curious about how to do it yourself? Keep reading.

What you will need (other then your bodies).
- a jar, bowl, or something with a lid to catch the sperm
- a needle-less syringe (most jokes about lesbian conception involve a turkey baster but a needle-less syringe is actually easier to use). The best size to use is 3-cc or 5-cc.

What to do:
Make sure the jar you are using is clean and dry. Encourage your partner to take his time producing the sperm. The more turned on he is the greater the volume of ejaculation will be. Decide how you want to do the hand-off. Is it less awkward if he leaves it on the counter for you? There's no right or wrong way as long as the sperm stays warm. Some people also think that sperm can be a bit sensitive to air and light so tell him to put the lid on the jar and dim the lights when he is done. When we did our inseminations Tracy took the jar of sperm from Andy and then kept it warm in her sports bra until we were ready to inseminate.

I haven't been able to find a definitive amount of time that fresh sperm is "good" for. In The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth Stephanie Brill suggests one hour (p.288) but other sources have said thirty minutes, ninety minutes, and even up to 24 hours. I am no expert so I can't give solid answer.

Make sure the cap is off your syringe, that there is no needle in it, and that you have pushed all the air out. Put the tip of the syringe in the sperm and pull the plunger part back (there's probably a word for that part of a syringe - I'm sure someone will chime in) so that the sperm is pulled up into body of the syringe. Lie on your back and insert the syringe deep inside your vagina. Slowly push the plunger part so that the sperm enters your vagina. When you are done, slowly pull the syringe out. Doing this slowly will help the sperm to not fall out. At this point you would do all the things that you would regularly do after intercourse. Some women like to lie with their hips up for twenty minutes. Others like to spend a few minutes on their back, stomach, and each side to help the sperm move around and find the cervix.

And that, my friends, is it. I want to be very clear that I am not a doctor, midwife, or in any way trained on matters of fertility whatsoever. So please don't take anything you read here as definitive. There are links to a few REALLY GOOD books below. Read those and talk to your own health care providers!

Good Luck!



__________________________
If you are interested in the books or products mentioned in this post please click on the links below. They are affiliate links which means that should you make a purchase I will receive a small fee.

**


***
If you are a longtime reader you may remember that when I was trying to get pregnant I used the Ovacue Fertility Monitor. This little gadget does a pretty awesome job of actually predicting your fertile period.



If you are looking for a good book on how to chart cycles and understand fertility this is the standard recommendation.

Bringing the Barter Back

There are a lot of reasons why having a wife instead of a husband is super awesome. My friend Erin recently flew across the country, with one baby and two small children, by herself (I know! she's such a show off) only to get to the airport and realize that her husband had taken the stroller out of their vehicle and not returned it. She's convinced that this wouldn't have happened with a wife. I couldn't really get past the fact that she was travelling across the country, with a layover, with three children, by herself, to begin with, so I'm not really sure about the whole stroller thing.

Anyway, I was in the middle of writing this post and wasn't really sure what the other good reasons for having a wife instead of a husband were so I asked Facebook. Here are some of the highlights (click over to read the rest):

As it turns out we really don't have much of an advantage on our straight counterparts. Tracy can rock a man cold like nobody's business. And she is incapable of seeing anything that is not directly in front of her face. Also, it's a pretty rare day when my clothes make it to the hamper before the floor. But nobody leaves the toilet seat up. So there's that.

Nonetheless, we're pretty happy in lesbian-run domicile. But there are a few times when it would be totally rad to have a husband. Tracy and I suck at opening jars. I once knocked on my neighbour's door and asked him to open a jar of salsa after all the run under hot water, hit with a knife, pray to the salsa-Gods, tricks didn't work. His super sweet mother-in-law then purchased us one of these:

They totally work. And since I'm stealing their image I should probably tell you that Williams Food Equipment has them on sale today (they didn't pay me to say that). 

So, with the jar opening problem taken care of, we were mostly getting along fine husband-less until two of our faucets broke at once. 

***The truth is that I know plenty of lesbians who could have easily fixed these faucets. I know a few straight girls too. And some of my straight friends told me that their husbands couldn't fix a faucet either. But telling it this way makes for a better story so can we just live blindly in a world of stereotypical indulgence for a moment until we get to the end of this post? Thanks for that. ***

So we were about ready to call a plumber to replace them when an episode of Barter Kings came on and it occurred to me that maybe some handy husband/wife/single person would want to exchange a family photo shoot for some faucet installation. 

I put the call out and got quite a few bites right away. Which was super neat. Erica volunteered her works-in-an-office-but-loves-being-handy husband. 

That Friday evening they arrived and in no time Mark was taking off his plaid shirt and rooting around under our sink while we stood back and watched.  All damsel-in-distress like. Except for Tracy. She really can't pull that look off. 

Lots of banging and some power tools... 

And then.... 

... there was water!

And we all jumped up and down and screamed. OK, we didn't do that. We just thanked the kind strangers who came to our house. 

Many thanks to Erica and Mark for coming to our house, fixing our faucets, and letting me paparazzi the whole thing. I can't wait for your photo session! 

And now.... what else can I barter for? Suggestions?

www.mondayswithmacphotography.com

Anatomy of an Apology: An open letter to Aaryn Gries

An apology can be forced or freely given. It can be genuine or insincere. It can disarm the receiver or fuel her anger. And on rare occasions, when it is done right, with a certain amount of finesse and introspection, it can be art.  It's a skill that far too few of us learn. Instead of receiving criticism and taking a moment to reflect on the validity of the accusation we immediately lash back. And sometimes there's a moment in that fight where we realize our own shortcomings but rather than back down and embrace the (sometimes hard) lessons being thrown our way we continue to fight. The competitive spirit takes over and we attempt to win. Or to save face. But even if we hold our ground, steadfast, until the other person surrenders or simply recedes in exasperation, there is no victory to be found in false-righteousness.

Aaryn, I imagine that you had hoped that your stint on Big Brother would afford you a brief 15 minutes of fame and perhaps provide a jump start to your modelling career. Instead, what has happened is that your racist and homophobic comments have been broadcasted around the world. Small clips of hate-filled words pieced together and shared on youtube, Facebook, and Twitter. You've become the runner-up poster girl for Southern racism. Succeeded only by Paula Dean. But if you continue on this path you may just succeed her by the end of the summer. If you manage to not get voted out that is. And that modelling career you've been working towards? Well, you will be very shocked to hear that your agency has responded to your comments by dropping you from their roster.




You entered the Big Brother house as a young, pretty, white girl. You were likely living a charmed life. But you will leave the house facing an intense wall of hate directed at you. My guess is that you will have no frame of reference for how to deal with this outcome. And that's what I'm going to try and help you with now.

On last night's episode you offered up a pretty insincere apology to Candice.

"Candice, I'm sorry. Anybody that knows me knows that just because I'm Southern, and I say things that are probably aren't appropriate all the time. I have nothing against any other race. And if I make a comment that seems like I do, I don't want it to be taken that way, and I don't want to offend you." 


And then later, in the diary room, you added:

"I don't want her to be thinking that I'm that type of person and I also don't want her to be using that against me or spreading something about me that's not true." 

I think we all need to be clear that being Southern does not make one racist nor justify it. While you have been locked up in Big Brother isolation your Southern contemporary, Paula Dean, has attempted to use the same justification. It hasn't worked for her either. 

There are a few key ways that this apology fails. First, it's all about you. Your comments have hurt and offended another person but instead of focussing on her feelings you have turned all of the attention back to the consequences that you may be subjected to. Your reaction isn't entirely surprising. Human beings are narcissistic creatures. But if you could take a moment to step back from the situation, examine why Candice (and countless other people) have been offended by your remarks, and do some serious and genuine introspection, you would be much more likely to receive an accepted apology and respect from the rest of us watching you on screen. 

I'd like to take a moment now to give you an example of apology as art. This apology, from Jason Alexander (Seinfeld's George Costanza) is so good that it bears repeating in full. 

A message of amends.

Last week, I made an appearance on the Craig Ferguson show – a wonderfully unstructured, truly spontaneous conversation show. No matter what anecdotes I think will be discussed, I have yet to find that Craig and I ever touch those subjects. Rather we head off onto one unplanned, loony topic after another. It’s great fun trying to keep up with him and I enjoy Craig immensely.

During the last appearance, we somehow wandered onto the topic of offbeat sports and he suddenly mentioned something about soccer and cricket. Now, I am not a stand-up comic. Stand up comics have volumes of time-tested material for every and all occasions. I, unfortunately, do not. However, I’ve done a far amount of public speaking and emceeing over the years so I do have a scattered bit, here and there. 

Years ago, I was hosting comics in a touring show in Australia and one of the bits I did was talking about their sports versus American sports. I joked about how their rugby football made our football pale by comparison because it is a brutal, no holds barred sport played virtually without any pads, helmets or protection. And then I followed that with a bit about how, by comparison, their other big sport of cricket seemed so delicate and I used the phrase, “ a bit gay”. Well, it was all a laugh in Australia where it was seen as a joke about how little I understood cricket, which in fact is a very, very athletic sport. The routine was received well but, seeing as their isn’t much talk of cricket here in America, it hasn’t come up in years. 

Until last week. When Craig mentioned cricket I thought, “oh, goody – I have a comic bit about cricket I can do. Won’t that be entertaining?”. And so I did a chunk of this old routine and again referred to cricket as kind of “gay” – talking about the all white uniforms that never seem to get soiled; the break they take for tea time with a formal tea cart rolled onto the field, etc. I also did an exaggerated demonstration of the rather unusual way they pitch the cricket ball which is very dance-like with a rather unusual and exaggerated arm gesture. Again, the routine seemed to play very well and I thought it had been a good appearance.

Shortly after that however, a few of my Twitter followers made me aware that they were both gay and offended by the joke. And truthfully, I could not understand why. I do know that humor always points to the peccadillos or absurdities or glaring generalities of some kind of group or another – short, fat, bald, blonde, ethnic, smart, dumb, rich, poor, etc. It is hard to tell any kind of joke that couldn’t be seen as offensive to someone. But I truly did not understand why a gay person would be particularly offended by this routine.

However, troubled by the reaction of some, I asked a few of my gay friends about it. And at first, even they couldn’t quite find the offense in the bit. But as we explored it, we began to realize what was implied under the humor. I was basing my use of the word “gay” on the silly generalization that real men don’t do gentile, refined things and that my portrayal of the cricket pitch was pointedly effeminate , thereby suggesting that effeminate and gay were synonymous. 

But what we really got down to is quite serious. It is not that we can’t laugh at and with each other. It is not a question of oversensitivity. The problem is that today, as I write this, young men and women whose behaviors, choices or attitudes are not deemed “man enough” or “normal” are being subjected to all kinds of abuse from verbal to physical to societal. They are being demeaned and threatened because they don’t fit the group’s idea of what a “real man” or a “real woman” are supposed to look like, act like and feel like. 

For these people, my building a joke upon the premise I did added to the pejorative stereotype that they are forced to deal with everyday. It is at the very heart of this whole ugly world of bullying that has been getting rightful and overdue attention in the media. And with my well-intentioned comedy bit, I played right into those hurtful assumptions and diminishments.

And the worst part is – I should know better. My daily life is filled with gay men and women, both socially and professionally. I am profoundly aware of the challenges these friends of mine face and I have openly advocated on their behalf. Plus, in my own small way, I have lived some of their experience. Growing up in the ‘70’s in a town that revered it’s school sports and athletes, I was quite the outsider listening to my musical theater albums, studying voice and dance and spending all my free time on the stage. Many of the same taunts and jeers and attitudes leveled at young gay men and women were thrown at me and on occasion I too was met with violence or the threat of violence. 

So one might think that all these years later I might be able to intuit that my little cricket routine could make some person who has already been made to feel alien and outcast feel even worse or add to the conditions that create their alienation. But in this instance, I did not make the connection. I didn’t get it. 

So, I would like to say – I now get it. And to the extent that these jokes made anyone feel even more isolated or misunderstood or just plain hurt – please know that was not my intention, at all or ever. I hope we will someday live in a society where we are so accepting of each other that we can all laugh at jokes like these and know that there is no malice or diminishment intended.

But we are not there yet. 

So, I can only apologize and I do. In comedy, timing is everything. And when a group of people are still fighting so hard for understanding, acceptance, dignity and essential rights – the time for some kinds of laughs has not yet come. I hope my realization brings some comfort. 

Thanks,
Jason

Do you see what he did there? He did not focus on how his comment was misconstrued or taken out of context. He didn't focus on how the backlash affected him. He took the time to listen to the complaints people made. He investigated them. He investigated himself. And when he had that lightbulb moment, the one where he realized he was on the wrong side of the debate, he didn't continue to fight anyway. He admitted his wrong doings. And he asked for forgiveness. And you know what happened? The gay people he offended felt heard and respected. They thanked Jason Alexander. Instead of the villain in the fight for gay rights he was recast as a hero. He got it. 

Aaryn, I don't offer you this advice to excuse or condone what you have said and done while on camera in the Big Brother house. I'm writing this in hopes that you'll own it. I hope that you can take the hate that is about to come your way as you exit the bubble you've been living in and use it for good.  Take the time to watch yourself on video. Watch the reactions of your housemates. Talk to other people, of various races, ethnicities, and sexualities and truly try to understand their reactions to your comments. Grow. And when you are ready, when you truly do "get it" (and only then because an insincere apology is as bad as none) apologize. Be a role model for young white people growing up in a culture that has weaved systemic racism into the fabric of its existence. 

The first few days after your Big Brother exit are going to be very hard. Try to understand that you've earned that. But also understand that you are in a unique position to invoke change. Much needed change that could come on the heels of a nation divided after a summer that has shown the ugliness of white supremacy alive and well. You don't know it yet, but this week George Zimmerman was found not guilty of murdering Trayvon Martin. Trayvon was a seventeen year old, unarmed, Black man. And people are furious. The system that validates the idea that certain lives, especially young Black male lives, are worth less than their counterparts has been brutally exposed. And that skeleton will not be going back in the closet. But, if you choose to do so, you have the opportunity to offer some small comfort to the people who are grieving and incensed. While perhaps an unpleasant position to inhabit it is nonetheless a very powerful one. 

My guess is that you will issue a public apology full of denial, righteousness and external blame. But instead of saying "Ask any of my friends and family, they will tell you that there isn't a racist bone in my body. I may sometimes say inappropriate things because that's how I was raised and those are the kind of things I am used to. But I was only joking around and my words and their meaning were taken out of context. I apologize if I've hurt anyone." Perhaps you could say something like "I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and anger my words and actions have caused. I was raised in a racist culture and it took my hate-filled words being broadcast on television for me to truly understand my part in the continual reproduction of race-based stereotypes and persecution. In the time since I have left the house I have done a lot of conversing, soul searching and introspection. And I can honestly say that I did not like what I saw. The legacy of slavery and institutionalized racism in our country is more complex than I ever understood. I will never be able to fully understand what it means to live in this world as a gay man, or a black woman, but I am ready to listen to these experiences. And I am grateful that my eyes have been opened. I cannot unsay the things I said. But I can apologize for them. And I can learn from them."

Now is your opportunity. What are you going to do with it? 

Edited to add:
It meant so much to me that Jason Alexander took the time to reply to this post. 

DOMA Down (a post from Mac's Dad Andy)

Same sex marriage has been federally legal here in Canada for nearly a decade. When I chose to marry my wife we were able to do so with all the legal rights and responsibilities of our heterosexual counterparts. But we knew that was not a universal right. When our son's dad married his husband this past year he did so in a state that recognized his union in a country that did not. But last week that changed. DOMA was struck down by the supreme court and it made a substantial, pragmatic, difference in Andy and Raf's life. The fight isn't over by any means. Most states still don't allow same sex marriage. But it was a victory. And we need to take moments out to celebrate them when they come. So please join me in welcoming our favourite "special guest star" to Mondays with Mac this week! Congratulations boys! We love you so so much! 

Oh, but before I turn the blog over to Andy I just thought I'd mention, you know, in case you were wondering, that today is my birthday. And you have the opportunity to buy me the absolute best present in the world! If you follow me on social media or regularly read this blog you will know that Paige Johnson's story has grabbed ahold of my heart and held on tight. As a mother, as a lesbian, and as a human being it has rarely been out of my mind for more than a few minutes. Paige has 58 days of incarceration left. We are doing pretty well at collecting enough money for her to make a phone call home to her mother every day from now until then. Each phone call costs $6. So, if you can swing it, sending her mother Jackie a $6 donation would make THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO ME EVER. The donation can be sent via paypal or snail mail (message me for addresses at kristin@mondayswithmac.com). Generous people have been making donations already and we now only have 42 days left to collect money for [UPDATE: Since posting 4 more people have donated. We are now down to 38!]. Can we get to zero before my birthday ends?

If a cash donation isn't possible you can also send Paige a letter. These connections to the outside have meant so much to her these last few weeks! 

OK, back to Andy now... 

How does the striking down of DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act from the 90s) affect me?

The short answer: Goosebumps. What a wonderful feeling when the world goes your way!

I ran into my boss in the elevator that morning, a long-time New Yorker who came of age in the gay era just ahead of mine. (In Diva Terms, his diva is Donna Summer, while mine is Madonna. Rafael's are the ones still on the radio: Rihanna and Britney).

"Tell me something good," he said, obviously meaning something about the account I work on.

"I'm so happy," I replied, work being the furthest thing from my mind. It took a moment, but then, oh yeah, he realized what I meant.

"I saw it break on the news and I got kind of choked up," he said, a little surprised at the emotion of his own reaction.

And I totally knew what he meant.

At face value, the decisions make an immediate and concrete difference for couples like Raff and me. New York is now a viable option – I can sponsor Rafael for a visa, and he can pursue his career and studies in New York, if he wants to. (I love my husband for innumerable reasons, one of them being that he feels no need to jump when the US Supreme Court says jump.)

But in that quick chat with my boss, I realized that something else was going on here, something bigger and more mysterious than Neil Patrick Harris' wedding plans. This was not just a win for couples juggling the logistics of "settling down." This is a big, emotional win for us all.

Thinking back to those Madonna years – I'm talking Paleolithic Madonna, like "Like a Prayer" and "Vogue" – there wasn't a whole lot about being gay to feel "so happy" about.

There were big depressing things, like the AIDS epidemic. There were little annoying things, like the police showing up to tow cars from the Pride Celebration. And there was this forlorn, prevailing sentiment – one shared by British indie bands and Midwestern moms alike – that being gay meant, at best, a life destined for loneliness and alcoholism.

Things changed, of course. Little by little. And yesterday, in a wave of goose bumps, they changed a lot.

So to hear my young friends at dinner ­last night – ready to propose now that marriage is "a real thing," looking forward to being on the Old Navy float at the Pride March this Sunday, tweeting about their celebrity boyfriends' latest successes – to feel the world going our way – it just makes me so happy.

Sperm That He Didn't Put There (Prequel Part 7)

OK, so this hiatus has been exceptionally long. My apologies friends. When PPD hit I basically struggled to hit the bare minimum of promised Monday posts. And the longer I let this series slide, well, the longer it slid. But our story, the one where we meet Andy and he knocks me up, is a good one so I'd like to finish it. 

Need to catch up? 

OK, here's what happened last time. Tracy and I decided to try and find a known donor and in the process I lost my damn mind obsessively doing everything I possibly could that might make my eggs more attractive to the millions of sperm I hoped they would soon be meeting. We put an ad up online and found some of the wackiest men who are sitting at their computers hoping to give their sperm away to lesbians (because giving sperm to lesbians apparently sounds super hot until they tell you that the delivery system is a needle-less syringe). Then we found an ad on co-parentmatch.com from a gay New York City man looking to father a child, fell in potential-baby-daddy-love, and embarrassed ourselves by clicking on his profile a bazillion times before paying for a membership and realizing that he got a notification every time we did.  We nervously exchanged emails and Facebook messages and let ourselves get super excited at the prospect of making a baby with such a sweet and funny man. And because the universe apparently loves us, he already had plans to be an hour away from our house which meant a “first date” was imminent. In true lesbian fashion, Tracy and I did the baby-making equivalent of u-hauling and wondered if asking for sperm on the first date would be too forward. And when I last left you we had finally met the exceedingly charming Andy and I had proved that I am awkward and weird on a first date. But somehow he saw through all that and decided that we would make suitable procreation partners. And then Andy asked us when we thought we might be ready to start trying to conceive and we told him that I was actually ovulating that coming weekend. And now you're all caught up!

So we stood there on the path at Mount Royal wondering if Andy would actually be ready. He laughed, I think wondering if we were for real, and then let us down gently. When we started to get serious in our discussions he had gotten himself STD tested and was currently in the window period where you have to wait to get the second test before getting the all clear. 

Sweet, funny, smart, kind, and responsible? How on earth did we find this guy on the internet? 

It wasn't long before Andy's tests came back negative and he was on a plane to visit us for the first insemination attempt. 

Nervous doesn't even begin to describe how I was feeling while pacing the Ottawa Airport waiting for Andy's arrival. I was excited too. Certainly. But more nervous than anything else. We were about to embark on a second date that would last an entire weekend. And it would involve sperm in an artichoke jar. Cue the awkward silences. 

But Andy arrived and had us laughing instantly. He told us about a dream he had the night before where he was in our bathroom overwhelmed by all the soaps and feminine bathroom products available. Nervously he tried to pump some hand soap but ended up spilling it all over the floor. Sometimes you don't need a dream dictionary to figure out the symbolism of your dreams. 

We had a concrete plan for how we were going to do things. One insemination per day for the four days he was in town. The ritual began with a cup of coffee to get his swimmers moving quickly. Then Tracy and I left our home so that Andy could, well, you know. When he was done he would text us "OK" and we would return. The jar of sperm would be passed off, with as much care as an olympic torch, from his warm armpit to my wife's warm sports bra. Then Andy would give us time to, well, you know. 

After it was over I cooked us all dinner. He graciously ate my cornbreaded tofu and pasta and he and Tracy passed the silent moments by taking sips of Canadian beer. On the first night we had plans to introduce Andy to a few of our friends at a Karaokee bar. At that point in the conception timeline I could have indulged in a few alcoholic beverages without hurting our unborn (un-conceived) child but it would have felt strange so I went to the bar sober. Which is never the beginning of a great story.

The night went along fine, if slightly awkward. Some of our friends had been forward enough to ask exactly how Andy's sperm had gotten inside of me. They were the less awkward ones. Others hadn't wanted to ask. They were the more awkward ones. 

For the most part I felt fine. Until the moment when everyone simultaneously left to go to the bathroom, or up to the bar, or to request a song, and it was just me and Andy left at the table. You have never experienced awkward until you are left alone at a table with a man you met online but hardly know. A man whose sperm is currently inside of you. Sperm that he did not put there. 

But more about that next time. 

Answering your FAQs (Round Two)

Two weeks ago I celebrated one year of blogging. Which feels like a really big accomplishment for me. Even though it just means that for the last year I have self-indulgently sat at my computer and told stories about how fantastic the top of my kid's head smells, finding sperm on the internet, and the intricacies of lesbian motherhood. And, miraculously, you've kept reading.

To celebrate this blogiversary I told you that you could ask me any questions you had about me, this blog, or my family. You did and I answered. But then you had more questions so I told you we would do this Q&A thing one more time.

So here we are. Now you know me a little better.

I'm really struck by your selfless offer to be a surrogate for Andy in the event that they want children. Have you also volunteered your eggs? I know that Andy is a part of your family but I'm not sure I would be strong enough to act as a surrogate only, particularly if it were my biological child. I'd also be interested to hear how you would make that work for both families. 
No, I did not volunteer my own eggs. Which is something I feel a bit guilty about. I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about how biology does not create family so it feels a bit hypocritical to selfishly hoard those tiny little eggs that are going to waste each month. It also feels presumptuous and arrogant to feel guilty about that as Andy and Raff may have absolutely no desire for these Canuck eggs that I'm holding onto. But I've given the whole thing a lot of thought and I know I could process the experience of growing someone else's child in my womb but I wouldn't be able to grow "my own" child and then give him/her to someone else to raise. I can't really explain or justify those feelings. They just are. But waking up every day to Mac's smiling face has been the most amazing experience of my life and if I had the opportunity to give that joy to someone else then I would jump at the chance.

I should also make it clear that (to my knowledge) Andy and Raff have absolutely no plans of having children at this moment. So this is really all random musing and speculations on my part.

How did you know Andy was "the one"?
When I read his online profile I had butterflies in my stomach. And from there it was love at first email. It all just seemed too perfect not to be fate.

Does Tracy's family accept Mac as their own?
Yes, absolutely. And so does his Auntie Tata's family.

Where do I find myself an Auntie Tata?
I have no idea. But you absolutely can't have Mac's.

How many times a year does Andy see Mac?
Well Mac is 15 months old and Andy has been to Ottawa about five or six times. And on top of that we have travelled to visit him three times.

Are you a stay at home/work at home mom? What did you do before you had Mac? Do you plan on returning to regular employment (if you were employed in a "regular" work environment?) Do you miss it?
Pre-Mac I was struggling to make my home in academia. He changed my life, my hopes, and my dreams in ways I could have never anticipated. My staying home with Mac became (surprisingly) incredibly important to both me and my wife. To make that happen I have taken in my neighbour's son (and Mac's BFF) Jordan four days a week. He is the sweetest toddler around and watching him is totally my pleasure. I have also started Mondays with Mac Photography and am pouring my whole heart into it. Seeing it come to fruition is an absolute dream come true.

Does Mac call Andy Daddy?
At the moment he calls him dadadadada. But someday he will call him Daddy.

In the post titled The Unraveling, when you revealed that you were struggling with post partum depression you mentioned that you had been working day and night on a project - and then the project failed. Curious to know what the project was and what went wrong! ... And another question which will have the same answer... OK, am I dreaming this or were you calling your photography business something else before? Do you have a new Facebook page for MWM photography?
In August I started a photography business with a partner. But we quickly figured out that the logistics just weren't working so we parted amicably. I was very fearful about going out on my own. But I took  deep breath and jumped in (and dragged my talented wife along with me). Since the new business is just called Mondays with Mac Photography I have just maintained my current fan page. 

When we met, you were in the PhD program and your research was so interesting. Do you have any plans to return to academia? If not, how did you make the decision to leave?
I don't ever want to say never. But for now I'm loving my new business and the schedule is working for my family. I've started to make decisions based on what's best for my heart - and those decisions have been very easy to make.

Did you find out the sex of your baby before he was born? Had you been (secretly) hoping for either a girl or a boy?
Yes, we did and I was (not secretly) hoping for a girl. But now that Mac's here I have realized what a privilege it is to have a son. And if I am ever blessed with a daughter I am sure I will feel the exact same way. 

This was like a million years ago, but who won the fan appreciation contest... and what was the prize you spent Tracy's hard-earned money on?! I was so curious and I could never find the post 
that announced the winner!
Oops - I guess I forgot to blog about it. The winner was Krista from Calgary and she won a MWM mug. 

How did you and Tracy decide who's last name to take when you got married? Also, Maclean is such an original name; does it hold any special meaning/how did you come up with it?

Her maiden name was Green so I petitioned hard for Greenland which would be a combination of both of our names. Always the fun-ruiner Tracy thought that idea mocked our marriage. She thought Ireland was a cool name so she jumped ship. The name Maclean didn't hold any special significance for us. I was talking about how I liked last names as first names and my friend Sara suggested Maclean and we loved it. However, his middle name is Andy's middle name, Andy's dad's name, and Tracy's dad's middle name so it has special meaning. 

You said that you don't want to disrespect your previous relationships with men. So are you equally attracted to men and women? Is there any scenario that would see you with a man again? 

I'm attracted to masculinity - whether that manifests itself in a female or male bodied person. Although I am most attracted to butch women (which is incredibly convenient since I married one). 

I love everything you write. Do you ever do speaking engagements? 

You are too sweet. Thank-you. I haven't but I would be happy to. Do you have something in mind?

Do you have any training/education in writing? Have you ever thought of publishing a book?

No, I don't have any education in creative writing. And yes, I have thought and dreamt of publishing a book. Hopefully that's a possibility someday! 

Answering Your Frequently Asked Questions

Last week I told you that you could ask me anything you want. You did and I answered. 

What would you do if Mac ever asked to go and live with Andy in New York?

Sob uncontrollably and tell him that if he left I would literally crawl into a ball and die of a broken heart? That's not incredibly productive is it? It's actually something we've talked about as it's likely to happen at some point. The cool thing about our relationship with Andy is that it's like a divorced couple but without any of the you're an unpleasantly smelling man with a wrinkly scrotum! you're a frigid wife and your spaghetti sauce is far inferior to my mother's  kinda drama. Or whatever it is that straight people say to one another when they are getting divorced. So if Mac ever called Andy and asked to come and live with him he wouldn't feel like he won some kind of superior parent award. Instead, he'd be mature and awesome and take some of the heat off of us by letting our grumpy little teenager know that a permanent change of address would not be possible.

How did you and Tracy meet?

I wrote a guest post about that very thing on the blog ohthethingsthatmommiesdo.com.  It sounds sorta strange. Unless you're a lesbian. Then it will sound totally normal. So, this girl that I dated invited me to come to the bar with her and her new girlfriend. That new girlfriend also invited her ex-girlfriend. The ex-girlfriend was Tracy. 

Are you planning any more children? Will you use Andy's sperm again?

We aren't there quite yet but I'm hopeful that another baby is in our future. Andy's sperm created the perfection that is Mac so I couldn't imagine using anyone else's. 

Ok, super nosy question: how many tries did it take you guys to get pregnant? 

Not nosy at all! If I could ever get my act together and finish the Mac: The Prequel Series then you'd get to read all about it. Mac is the result of three insemination attempts. We did a wholelotta stuff to turn my eggs and his swimmers into reproductive over-achievers. 

If you and Tracy decide to have more kids, will you or she be the one to carry?

Tracy has always said that she didn't want to be the one to carry. I just asked her if she would ever reconsider. Her response: "I would carry him/her home from the hospital. But that's about it. I had a front row seat to the delivery process and I think it gave me PTSD." So I guess it will be me again. 

When did you know/realize that you were gay? How did you tell your family? How was it received?

This is a strange question for me to answer. I tend to refer to myself as gay/lesbian because I'm married to a woman with no plans of polyamory or infidelity so it just seems to be the least complicated label. But the truth is that I had some really wonderful long-term relationships with some really wonderful men before coming out and I would hate to devalue those experiences. But in an attempt to answer your question I will say that I realized I was attracted to women in my early twenties. I told my parents over dinner in a restaurant and although they were surprised they were nothing but loving and supportive. 

Were you ever worried that Andy would try for custody of Mac?

No, not at all. 

Not really a personal question, more just curious: how did you get so many followers in the first year? When you created your blog, how did you promote it, network, or get your name out there? Do you have any tips for aspiring bloggers?

Honestly? I really have no idea. But I'm totally grateful for the support. I have a few amazing friends who share every post I write on Facebook and Twitter. They are total rockstars. As for tips, it just so happens that I wrote a guest post for Lisa at expandng.com - read it here. 


Is a Tracy question allowed?!?!?!?! If so: Does she ever have mixed feelings (left out, jealousy, awkward, etc.) because of the biological connection you, Andy, and Mac share? Confession: With our KD, I have felt these things so wondered if universal.
Of course it's allowed! The honest answer is that 99% of the time Tracy forgets that Mac isn't biologically hers. I take it as my responsibility to make sure that she is set-up as an equal parenting partner in the eyes of the world. When we enter a new place I make sure that she is the one to carry him in because for most people the person holding the baby = mother. I will also intentionally say things like "where's your mom Mac?" to make it clear that she is his mother. But occasionally something will happen to remind Tracy of her biological exclusion and we have to recognize and deal with those feelings. One example I can think of happened when we met Andy and his friend Luigi in Watertown for a weekend getaway. There was a pool in the hotel and Andy and I decided to take Mac in for a dip. I was excited by the first swim and without thinking asked Tracy to take a picture while Andy and I posed with Mac. I instantly regretted the request. I consciously avoid taking pictures of just Andy, Mac and I because it visually erases Tracy. I asked her about it later and she admitted that it made her feel funny. 


How old will Mac be before you allow his first Moose Ride?
In Canada the traditional first Moose Ride occurs on the child's fourth birthday. It's a celebratory occasion where the child parades down the road to cheers and claps from the whole community. Then the parents invite their friends and family back to their igloo for beer and poutine. [Inside story: This question was asked by someone named "Ottowa" - when Andy first met us online he referred to Ottawa as Ottowa because he had never heard of it (and yes, it is the capital of our country). One day we will show him Rick Mercer's Talking to Americans. ]


How many Internet hours do you put in a day/week. I find myself thumbing online a lot especially while breast-feeding or "trapped" under baby. Wondering if I need a 10 - step or if I should just embrace and celebrate being able to stay connected with world while staying at home being Mom.
Try to take my iPhone away and I will cut you. I love the internet and I don't think I spend too much time on it. My wife would entirely disagree. 


I have struggled (and ultimately lost the fight) with internet protection and my family. What is your take on the issue and how do you make peace with it? Do you get creepy search word results? I am so glad that you aren't deterred because I think your blog/family dynamic is so valuable to so many readers!
Thank-you for saying that. I have always been an over-sharer - long before the internet existed. I think privacy is over-rated. I think that we can connect with other people by lowering our guards and being open and honest. That said, my wife is slightly more private than I am and she often cringes when I mention our sex life or cervical mucus on the internet. Also, if you google sex tips for straight men my blog will come up as the second hit on the first page. Which means that I am totally doing my part for straight marriages. And also that, yes, I get creepy search word results. I'm just happy for every set of eyes that lands on my page. 


What is your engagement story?
Tracy eventually convinced me that getting married wouldn't mean that we were selling out to the heterosexist institution that has historically ignored and devalued women, LGBT folks, and those who exist outside of the traditional two-person romantic-love-based-unit. Then we picked out our own rings on the internet. 


I too would love to hear if you're planning on adding to your family with another child. My first is nearly 6 months and we are conflicted on whether one or two more children are in our future. I'm always curious to hear how others decide when their family is "complete" (plus I'm nosy).
A second child is a few years away but hopefully in the cards for us. If we won the lottery I would buy a giant mansion and have half-a-dozen children. 


Would you be upset if Andy decided to donate to another couple?
Andy is free do what he would like with his sperm. But if he did donate to another couple I would hope that they would be open to establishing a relationship between our children. 


Now that Andy is getting married does he want to have children of his own? I know that's not the right phrasing. Does he want to have children that he raises?
Perhaps Andy will stop by and give a proper answer to this question (although he's on his honeymoon so lets not hold our breath). I can tell you that we would love it if he did and that I have offered up my womb for baby growing. 


Will/when will you tell Mac the story about how he came to be?
I think that it's something that he will always know to varying degrees. We plan on having many, many, many age-appropriate conversations with him. 


Thank-you so much for all of your questions and for the wonderful first year of blogging! Y'all are the best!