Monday 24 February 2014

If You Give a Toddler a Steroid

[If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura J. Numeroff]

If you give a toddler a steroid he'll want some juice to go with it.
So you'll give him some apple juice.
But the apple juice won't be in a purple cup.
And toddlers always want apple juice in a purple cup.
So you'll pour the apple juice from the blue cup into the purple cup.
But the purple cup won't have a straw.
So you'll go to the cupboard to get a straw.
And the toddler will remember that apple juice comes from apples and apples are high up on trees so he will climb on the counter to pretend to pick an apple and spill the apple juice all over the floor.

So you will get a mop and a bucket.
And the water in the bucket will look like the perfect tub for a teddybear.
So the toddler will plunge the teddybear into the bucket.
And you will tell the toddler to take the bear out of the bucket.
Which will make the toddler run around the house with a wet, soapy, bear.

Since the bear is already wet you will ask the toddler if he wants to have a real bath.
And he will chant "TUB TUB TUB" until he wakes up the neighbours.
So you will call the neighbours to apologize while pouring a bath.
But the toddler will scream that the bath is too cold. And too hot. And too cold.
And then he will remember that tubs require sitting and sitting is not running and he will insist on getting out immediately.

You will be so tired that you will call super aunt for backup.
And she will bring stickers.
The toddler will want to put all the stickers on all the furniture.
And you will let him.
Because it means you can sit on the couch for 76 seconds.

The stickers will remind the toddler of crafts and he will ask for scissors and glue.
So you will spread the craft drop cloth on the floor and get supplies.
But while you are trying to figure out how to turn newspaper and pipe cleaners into something entertaining, the toddler will run in circles around and around and around throwing pieces of paper in the air and yelling CONFETTI! CONFETTI!

You will remember the tip on Pinterest about pushing pipe cleaners through the holes in a colander.
The toddler will sit to examine what you are doing.
But the pipe cleaners will look like spaghetti and spaghetti will remind him of playing chef and he will shake the colander while screaming "I'M COOKING! I'M COOKING!"

His head will shake back and forth and you will remember Jesse Spano singing "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so, so … scared."
And you will be scared too. But you will also laugh. And you will try to take a picture of the chaos.

Pretending to cook spaghetti will remind the toddler that he's hungry.
So you will open the fridge.
And the toddler will crawl inside.
He will want pickles.
Not pickles, cheese.
Not cheese, donuts.
Not donuts, cookies.

And with the fridge open you will notice the half empty (half full) bottle of wine.
And you will drink it.
Because when you give a toddler a steroid it is like - well - giving a toddler a steroid.
So you should also give his parents more wine.

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