Monday 17 March 2014

I love you too.

I told my wife I loved her very early into our relationship. Even by lesbian standards. It was summer and we had plans to meet friends. She was still in that place where she didn't fully believe that she could be loved. Completely. For exactly who she was. She was trying to push me away - picking a fight - testing me. And I just blurted it out. What are you doing right now? Don't you know that I love you? The pupils of her eyes got so wide that I could see myself reflected in their shiny black surface.

Do you know what you just said? She asked accusingly, assuming I would take the words back as quickly as I had said them.

I know exactly what I said. I love you. 

And I did. Wholly and completely. Nobody had ever made me laugh the way she did. And my heart had never fluttered at that speed before. It was lust and love and everything in between. She became the  best part of my world. And in the years that followed I said I love you more times than I could count.

Lately, I love you comes a little less frequently. And not because it's not felt but because of the
busy, busy, busy. Did you give Mac his puffer? Yes. Did you pack an extra set of clothes? Yes. Did you feed the dog? And so it goes. While we seem to exchange a substantial quantity of words with each other, the quality is lacking.

But if you pay close enough attention to the little hidden meanings that creep up from time to time you can still see those unabashed, screaming it from the roof tops, I LOVE YOUs poking through amongst the grocery list conferring and the vast and varied list of toddler needs.

On the weekend I was out of town attending a bachelorette to celebrate the total awesome-ness of my oldest friend as she prepares to marry to her best friend. And Tracy was home alone with Mac.

On day two she texted me 4 simple words that filled my heart with warmth:

It was, you're a good mom, I appreciate what you do, and I love you all wrapped up in one. And while a lot of things have changed since that first time I blurted out I LOVE YOU, there is one thing that really hasn't: I love her too. 


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