Tuesday 7 February 2012

Chapter 1: Special Guest Star



Mac and his dad. Love at first sight.

 Please join me in welcoming Andy to his first (and hopefully not last) guest post on Mondays with Mac. If you are a follower you will know that Andy is Maclean's father. If you are a new reader you can catch up with our story here. If you enjoy part 1 of his story please leave him a comment below. I have enabled anonymous comments so you don't need to have any kind of specific ID. -- Kristin



I guess I could start by saying that becoming a father was not a snap decision for me. I knew in my 20s I wanted to have kids, and I made the same deal with several of my more flirty and delightful girl friends. "If we reach 35 and you're not married, let's have a baby." In my 20s, 35 was still a vague and distant concept. No one on "Melrose Place" ever reached 35 unless they were rich and ruthless and could afford a nanny in a fabulous apartment. This plan seemed doable.

Well, time passed. The girls got married, or married and divorced and married again, or came out proudly as Cat Ladies. I discovered international travel and international boys and what true love feels like, the highs and lows of a career in advertising, the joys of writing. I was running around with rock stars and artists and getting up to all of the craziness that I'd moved to New York for in the first place. 35 rushed by without comment.

Andy "Heart"s NY while visiting La Boca in Buenos Aires
Then one day, the buzzer went off (women have biological clocks, men have buzzers). I had stuck the landing on youth - it was time to officially become an adult. I thought about a friend's father in Turkey, who had congratulated me on still being a bachelor at 39 the summer before. "You're doing it right," he told me on the patio, his grandsons playing nearby under the olive trees. "Just have kids by the time you're 45."


As the big 4-0 approached, I embraced a new battle cry: "If not now, when?" Finish that novel I'd been writing since 2005? INNW! A Jonathan Adler rug for the living room? INNW! I used my new credo to justify everything from Lasik surgery to exploring the lost city of Petra. (pay off those credit cards? INNW!)

Andy in the lost city of Petra

Andy in Guayaquil, Ecuador

But the biggest INNW! - the one that I knew would be most rewarding and take the most effort - was becoming a dad. As my tan faded from a birthday in Ecuador (INNW!), I did a little googling and discovered that New York's LGBT Center was hosting their first ever Sperm and Egg Mixer for would-be moms and wanna-be dads. Co-parenting, it was called, and it came in many shapes, forms and sizes. I was nervous, but the drawing of the sperm holding hands with a fried egg on the invitation clinched it for me - I had to go.
The place was packed. In spite of the folding chairs and bulletin boards crammed with the usual flyers for support groups and HIV testing, the room felt warm and inviting, decked out with flowers and wine and a designated "mingling area." The men looked awkward, like 8th graders at their first dance, hovering by the cheese plates. The women, mostly in pairs, looked like they were shopping for a new sofa. Sizing up each prospect, scanning for flaws, all but testing for cushiness. The first lesson of reproduction was on full display: women do the picking.

I reminded myself that this was just a first pass anyway, to take the pressure off. I was gathering information. I'm good at being aloof. Besides, it was nice to connect with the community over something other than a 2-for-1 vodka special at Good Times. What were the chances I'd meet my match on the first try?

The mixer kicked off with three families sharing their experiences of how they came to be. First up, a single lesbian and single gay man who lived in my neighborhood and shared daily parenting duties. They looked like they also co-wrote Grammy-award-winning songs and knew all about macrobiotic wines and had season tickets to Fashion Week. The baby was a perfect Benetton blend of races, with downtown styling and accessories. Already, the bar was set high. I was surprised half the audience didn't throw up their hands and walk out right then and there.

Actually, it was good to be confronted with this idealized picture of perfection firsthand. In spite of appearances, they didn't seem overly thrilled with each other. It seemed like an awkward arrangement at best. I got a flash of what it might be like to try to raise a baby hands-on with someone who wasn't also my romantic partner. It looked like the friendship would suffer.

I thought about the girls I had made those daydream promises with back in our twenties. One of them was actually still in the running, a "Sex & The City" kind of single successful career girl who looked like Barbi Benton and still wanted it all, or at least the option to have it all.  Barbi lived down the block from me, and when she was between boyfriends, the idea bounces back into contention. I was treated to late-night messages like this...

BARBI: OK - been giving this whole baby thing some thought. We'll have to set rules on this...
1. We do this the old-fashioned way.  6 shots of tequila and (gay) porn.  Nothing romantic as I'll die laughing.
2. Nothing gets pushed out my va jay-jay.  
3. And I demand $$ for a trainer - since no way I'm doing the baby fat weight gain thing....I need to look hot & fit

Clearly, our problems would begin long before conception. Barbi didn’t want to hear the words "turkey baster" ("I have needs!") and over time, we pondered every possibility from going "the Mormon route" (sheets...no exposure) to bringing in a "Sperm Whisperer" ("but he needs to be a switch hitter - I got to have SOME fun, too!").

Sperm whisperers aside, we knew we were glossing over one very big, important detail. Finally I asked, "which one of us is going to put their wine glass down and actually raise this child?"

That was Barbi. A lesbian might be different. At the very least, I was confident the turkey baster method wouldn't be an issue. Still, it was clear that if you truly want to share parenting with another person, it helps to be close, if not in love. I didn't have any single lesbian friends who wanted kids. In fact, ever since the Meow Mix had closed, I wouldn't even know where to look for one. There was Brooklyn, but lesbians there already come standard-issue with a partner and a stroller.

Ever-slow on the uptake, it didn't hit me what was missing in that picture - the glaringly obvious opportunity - until the next family spoke. An awesome lesbian power couple (cop and lawyer, just like "Law & Order") who had two kids with a very nice, unassuming, gay man with glasses in his 40s. Law & Order did all of the raising, just the two of them together - the gay man with glasses was a known donor who had given up legal rights to the kids but was still a participant in their lives. More like a Special Guest Star. As Law & Order drove home the importance of carrying all your documents with you on a zip drive while traveling, my heart raced at this new and excitingly perfect possibility. Co-parent with a couple. I could be Special Guest Star.

I could just jump ahead here and say that through the Center, I found out about co-parentmatch.com, and after making a profile and then forgetting about it while I focused on finishing up my novel, I heard from Kris and Tracy and now we have Mac. Or maybe, Kris will invite me back to share about what I learned from a near-miss or two along the way, in the year before I met the Irelands.



Would you like to hear the rest of his story? Let him know below. 

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51 comments:

  1. All of this makes me feel so hopeful! Keep sharing!

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  2. Give us more!!!!!!!! (today?)

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  3. I'd love to read more :) This is a fantastic addition to the moms side of Mac!

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  4. Thanks for sharing, Andy!! I'm looking forwad to hearing more of your story!! I absolutely LOVE this blog!!!!!

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  5. Really good read. Very well done Andy.

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  6. very cool read. thanks for sharing the intimate details of your family's lives.

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  7. I want to hear more...it's like putting down a novel at the really good part....and then misplacing the book and never finding out what happened...PLEASE write more! :)

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  8. Jennifer Townsend7 February 2012 at 13:16

    Andy, You are a phenominal writer. Such a wonderful and enjoyable read. Good luck to all!

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  9. Please write more! I would love to hear about your experiences!

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  10. I love hearing about your story, Andy!!
    Hugs, Kirstin

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  11. You are a fantastic writer Andy and your story is wonderful - please write more!

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  12. Andy, I love your writing. What a fantastic entry. Now please give us more!!! :)

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  13. Andy This is a fantastic start but there has to be more to this story than that. Can we get more? Please?

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  14. Ok, the story was good, and I'm showing my age, but what is "INNW" And Kristin & Tracy you may not laugh

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    1. It took me a second but it means "If Not Now, When?"

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    2. I was wondering about that too.

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  15. Mac is obviously genetically predisposed to becoming a talented writer! Entertaining and leaving me wanting more!!

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  16. Loved it and love this blog!

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  17. Of course I want to read the rest of the story!

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  18. Anyone who comes up with 'sperm whisperer' can't stop at one post.

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  19. More of the same!

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  20. Wow, Mac sure does have some talented writing genetics. I would love to hear more of your story Andy. Thanks for letting him guest star in your blog too Kris! xo

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  21. Yes please, Andy. Do continue. Good stuff.

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  22. Mac's future is set. He will grow up to be an amazingly talented writer! All his parents will encourage and support him. Hope he doesn't have any other plans !
    Looking forward to more from Andy.

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  23. This was great! Andy...your audience wants MORE PLEASE!!!!!

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  24. I think that's great...excellent so happy for Tracy and you.
    Jeff F.

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  25. Great post Andy. You can't just leave us hanging like that though man. Keep it coming.

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  26. More, More, More Please! Your stories have totally replaced my Chapters addiction!

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  27. More, Andy. Just More of all of it.

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  28. Andy, a great story. What a wonderful gift you have given. But also received. You are all so lucky. You are like that perfect first couple at the meet up without the weirdness behind the scenes. We will see once Mac gets older though.. we will see if he gets all of his parents riled up about something... Good luck.

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  29. ANJ!!! WRITE MORE! INNW????? I HEART you! ;) Kristin (KPST)

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    1. ONM!

      more is on the way very soon. I HEART you too KPT :)

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  30. Beautifully told. Mac is a lucky boy!

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  32. More please!! You are all so very lucky to have found each other!

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  33. yes, more please! INNW!!

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  34. Holy cliffhanger! Looking forward to part 2!!

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  35. I love this! I want more more moreeeeee!!!!!

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  36. Andy

    I just love you! I knew you'd do something wonderful like this!

    I totally want to hear the rest of the story! Someday I will and I hope it's in person at another 3 drink lunch in NYC with you!
    Or at the tennis tourney here!
    XO - Cindy G from GHS

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    1. I heart you too, Cindy G! I look forward to our next chance for a 3-drink lunch or tennis tourney in Mason xo

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  37. What kind of mom am I? Putting my kids to bed late because I can't put this story down?! Thanks, Andy, for unintentionally (?) introducing me (through facebook) to this intriguing blog and sharing your story! Sounds like you have great moms to adorable Mac and an ideal situation. Congrats again, and would love to hear/read more! I will definitely recommend co-parentmatch.com to those I know who may be interested.
    --Stephanie from Beechwoods and GHS

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    1. Thanks Stephanie and everyone else for the nice encouragement and feedback. More is on the way soon! Please do pass the word on - I think there might still be a couple of free co-parentmatch.com memberships left to give away here on Kris' blog if they want to enter to win.

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  38. Thanks Stephanie and everyone else for the nice encouragement and feedback. More is on the way soon! Please do pass the word on - I think there might still be a couple of free co-parentmatch.com memberships left to give away here on Kris' blog if they want to enter to win.

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  39. This is beautiful. Can't wait for the next part.

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  40. That is so beautiful and funny and ANDY! Can't wait to read more:) XO - jen

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    1. Thanks, Miss H...more soon and can't wait to see you! xo

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  41. Andy, I had heard about this through Carolyn but finally got around to reading it! This was truly a wonderful story and an overall awesome blog.

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